Stay true to yourself...

I went to Starbucks and spent about 3 solid hours with my Cousin Christie. We do this often and I cherish each and every time we do. This time it was particularly special. We both had a LOT to talk about. Our conversations are amazing and both so good for each other. This time she asked me, "What about you and your mom??" and so it went... I think this part of the conversation was about 1.5 hours long or so it felt. She asked the whole "God forbid something happen, but if it did how would you feel??" I quickly responded with "Well that would suck, but I'm okay today and today is what matters!" I thought I knew what I was talking about, but then suddenly I wanted to take it all back. It's not okay. I'm not okay with being on "not speaking terms". It's ridiculous and it's just not me. Another thing she said that really made the decision for me was "Just stay true to yourself, you're the loving, giving, caring, happy person...". That hit me. Ya know why? Well I'm not the fighting, hateful, resentful type. I'm a lover, not a fighter and it took this situation for me to realize I was being someone I'm not.

Christie has instilled in me how to handle these types of situations. To be submissive and to just be myself. I'm generally not one to attack and I truly believe the reason I did was because it directly affected my family (Nicole and I) and my sister (Kerrie). I think it's human nature to respond in the manner we all did, but I realize now I'm cannot change who I am nor will I change who I am because of someone elses beliefs even if that includes my parents. Just because our "Engagement" became a "REALITY" for them doesn't mean it became a "REALITY" for me or us. It has always been this way from us, since day one. I used to be fearful that someone or something could change us, but this situation is a true test of our relationship and we sailed through it with flying colors. So now, I'm way more confident in who we are as a couple and who I am as a person. What other people think doesn't matter, not even my parents. We all want affirmation and approval from our parents, but sometimes we don't get it right away or ever; Or in my case, we had it and then they reniged; however we're still the same. We're moving forward with our life in a positive direction and I choose to include them in that.

Getting back on topic here... after my coffee time with Christie I didn't stop thinking about it. I came home and I told myself without looking at the schedule, if Jon had a game tonight we were going to go. Sure enough, he did. So I respectfully sent a text to my Mom to ask if it were alright and she responded nicely back and said Wow, Jen he'd really like that and we went. It was weird at first, but Dana was there to soften the tension if you will. Plus, I had a 3rd Starbucks which was my crutch!! haha Midway through the game my Mom got up to go to the snack bar and Nicole and I had to use the restroom. So, she went and it was about 5-7 mins later we followed, not thinking we'd see eachother, but not really thinking about it all. Then I wanted BBQ seeds and Nicole wanted a hot chocolate and there she was at the counter with 2 hot chocolates, a pretzel and a hot dog. I said "How are you planning on carrying all of that back by yourself? Do you know if they take ATM/VISA?" She said.. "YOU CAME! (meaning I could help her) and no I don't think so, but what do you want?" She bought us our stuff and we started walking back......... She said... "Nicole honey, can you hold this?" Set some of her stuff on the ground and gave Nicole another hot chocolate to hold and Hugged me for a good 3 mins.... kissed me on the cheek and I could feel her starting to cry. I said "It's good to see you, don't cry" and she said "good too see you too" but not able to hold it back... then she said.. " You too, Nicole - come here honey" and gave her a good hug also. It was peaceful and nice. Just the way I had hoped it to be, but not the way I expected it to be. I had completely shattered all of my expectations and told myself whatever happens, happens.

It was amazing and I'm sure there's plenty more moments to come through this healing process, but we got the first step over with. It had been 5 full months, almost to the day, since I had seen my Mom and I hope it doesn't have to be that long again.